facetsofme

I got an interesting message today. One of those mental things, that's kinda an epiphany, but from a higher source, giving you a kick in the ass.

I'm holding on to too much fear. It's clouding my mind, blocking my creativity and my ability to love. (Strangely enough, during Jess's reading -- that left me feeling violated after -- my Heart chakra was the only one in decent shape.)

I'm not breaking down like I used to, and I'm holding in my rage because I no longer know how to properly express it.

(Emmy, you might remember some of the epic rants I used to have...)

I'm holding all that in, and it's like a block on my heart.
I've taken to passing out now when I get too stressed. I will black out suddenly without apparent cause. I'll wake back up, no bleeding, no memory loss, but it's still creepy.

I checked my pulse rate today: 105. A little high, methinks? Yeah...

Plus, my panic attacks are accompanied with chest pain. I think it's because of that block.
I was able to release some of it today (after some Sangria).
After that, I got a LARGE order, and I'm completely amazed. I was so shocked, I broke down in tears. I stopped myself and could feel the pressure build. I kept looking at it and it drove me to tears (but happy ones). I just let it happen. I couldn't hold it in anymore..

I feel better, but weak. And things, I can feel them, are strengthening up. They're looking, sounding, feeling clearer.

I still have some stress rash on the back of my neck though and it ITCHES....

Ok, I think this wraps this up for now.

Can't find cudweed extract. ANYWHERE. I'm not that bad at searching things.

Now I'm desperately trying not to freak out. But writing about it is helping.

This has NOT been a good week. plus, just as soon as FIL comes home, hubby's time will be used up and he won't be able to help him like he intended. He needed to be here for his mom and just in case something happened to his dad, but seriously... I'm just pissed at the timing and circumstances. FIL was NOT supposed to be in the hospital for nearly two weeks.
What. The. Fuck.

Autism is kicking in pretty hardcore. I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before.
Well, it's more difficult. I couldn't actually "see" how it affected me.
I've been watching "Parenthood" -- it's a show about the Braverman family, and focuses a lot on Adam Braverman, his wife, Christina, and their son, Max (and daughter Haddie).
Max has Asperger's, like I do.

And watching him feel the way I feel, have interactions like I've had, have the emotional ups and downs like I do... and watching some of the things I couldn't see...

It really hit home. It's like I can see everything about it in neon lights now.

I'm starting to see just how bad it is when I just ignore it. So, through that, I'm able to see what needs to be realized and dealt with.

One of these things is goals. Hubby and I made a lot of goals for me to work on.
One of the things that helps is a reward system. I think that's why part of me craves the 'perfect D/s relationship' (found out last night that doesn't happen, and can't). I like the reward, feeling good about myself and pleasing someone at the same time.

But I'm starting to see the damage that expectation can do.

So I'm finding another way around it. And hubby got a taste of his own medicine as well -- seeing me deal with another Scorpio and then him having to deal with her really highlighted some of the things I'd been trying to tell him but I couldn't.

I have goals and rewards, and I think this will start to help me improve things. I'm going to use my lithium treatments again as well and see if it starts to help. It did last time, and it should again this time.

Ok.. I gotta eat now. And then to get some writing done.

I'm watching Parenthood. This show has really hit some things home for me. Let me give a little recap.

This show deals with the Braverman family. Adam Braverman, and his wife Christina support their son Max, who has Asperger's. (There's other family members also, but yeah, they're kinda the focus.)

So I'm watching a lot of the things Max is going through, and I'm seeing a LOT of myself in Max. The social awkwardness, the different ticks and behaviors. It really hits home with me.. knowing that my son could have this. Knowing that my 'plan' have him homeschooled could actually damage him... but at the same time, I know in my heart it's the right decision. Especially since public schools (here) don't have the tools to properly handle an Aspie. I know, I was a victim of that schooling system. I KNOW how terrible it is for a kid who has a 'problem'. For a kid who doesn't quite fit in. We're constantly bullied, picked on, singled out, called names.. that isn't fair to a child with an illness like this. They need to be given the best chance possible. The last thing they need is to be made MORE socially awkward by reinforcing bad behaviors. We can customize the curriculum and make sure he gets the best education he needs to give him the tools for the world.

But anyway: Back to me for a minute. :)

I actually had a handle on this before I got pregnant with Alex. It tapered off when I was pregnant with him, and now it seems to be snapping back, full force. I KNOW it had a very negative effect on me and it influenced my postpartum. So I need to start getting back on the regimen I was using. It's starting to inhibit me in other ways. So if I'm to do anything with my life (like my business?) then I need to get my ass in gear and start working with this. I can't just ignore it anymore. I gotta DEAL with this thing.

Hubby and I started to piece together some things about my childhood... or lack thereof. So, we decided to have some kid-like fun last night. He let me draw on the walls. :) (We're allowed to decorate at our apartment, so it's ok)
TMI:
And hey, I gotta say, BEST SEX EVER. Oh yeah.

This morning, we colored in coloring books and he made me breakfast. :) This is the best I've felt in a LONG time... I'm still weighed down by stuff, but I can deal with it now. It's not pinning me to the floor where I have to crawl.
So... here goes.
Wish me luck?

crossposted to my LJ.

I lost a friend over a year ago. I might have written about her, but that's not the point.
She and I were really close and she confided in me that her husband was saying things to her and her son that I would classify as abusive. Talking down to them, etc. She also confided that she didn't even have any sexual desire toward her husband.

And after confronting, I got the usual denial spiel.
We stopped talking.

I found out today through one of our mutual communities that she got the birth she (I) wanted, can breastfeed (I can't) and got a little girl.

So apparently the sexual desire came back.

I'm just pissed, jealous, hurt... I trusted her. And she stabbed me in the back with her own stupidity, putting her own children, her FAMILY at risk. And she gets the birth, the life that I wanted.

*sigh*
I know this isn't true, but at the same time, I feel shafted. It hurts. It feels like an utter betrayal and it's NOT and I KNOW it's not.. and I miss her, but because of her idiocy I can never be close to her again. She broke a part of my trust and I don't know if I can get that back.

I wonder if she'd even recognize me now. I've changed so much.
It just hurts. So much. And I don't know why I feel that way. It bothers me.

I feel mean. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. At the same time, I feel like she should have agreed with me and wanted to help her family. God, how selfish is that?
How selfish is it that I care, and how selfish is it that she stayed??? And got pregnant again?? GOD how fucking dumb are you??

Yeah. I'm gonna be depressed all fucking night.
She gets the daughter, the birth, the benefits. And none of the struggle. Her life is NORMAL.

And God how I hate it.

Yes, please, attack me for using the host's website designer to design a website.
Let's also not forget that I do the graphic design, social networking and media interface, logo design and the support involving that... when you think about everything that's involved with getting a business off the ground in a recession, there's a lot of little things that your schooled-and-paid website designer can't do.

And if they DID go to school, in this economy, why do they need to do nickel-and-dime website design in the first place? Shouldn't they be doing IT and Server-repair work?

Jee. Just some things to think about, you no-note fuck.

I swear to...

Does it LOOK like I'm a member of that group that bitch just HAD To make since I wasn't all on board with her cold-tea-only-house idea????

No, I'm not, because I'm not that fucking stupid, vindictive or petty. But that's ok.

It's alright, you just go make a new group and make your events the same day as mine.
Whatever.
I'm trying to do something good here, I'm not trying to be a bitch about it. THAT IS ALL YOU.
All. Fucking. You.

But whatever.

Got a glowing recommendation from a customer on a social networking site. I mean, OMG.
And plus, FIL AND BIL both want me to be at FIL's party tomorrow and I'm just.... floored.
This is great progress considering that four years ago BIL hated my guts.
Like literally. Hated me. Threw a Sunny D at my head.

We might be able to give BIL the bassinet and bouncy seat that we can't use anymore. And if we can, I should have enough room to start working on stuff in the spare bedroom. We want to stay here another year, and then start putting some things in storage so that when we DO decide to move, it'll be a hell of a lot easier to do so. And we'll have more room to work/do things.

We need to drop the recycling off and the cans.

We need to just re-arrange things in here, period.

I've been figuring stuff out. I have a lot of built up resentment and anger that I need to start dealing with. It's got a lot to do with my mothering issues and my issues with relationships.

Having issues with Skyward Sword...first Trial. Can't find a suitable walkthrough.
Open to ideas and suggestions.

Thanks!

Sent the li'l man to the grandparents again. This is normally the time of week he goes anyway, and it's good for the grandparents.

We're going through the "No" phase. Where we have to tell him no and he cries and cries until he gets what he wants. Well, we're not giving him that. Yesterday, he cried so hard that I nearly lost it. BUT, it's good for him -- I don't want to give in and start him thinking that he gets what he wants when he cries.

And he HAS to learn the meaning of the word 'No'. Just has to.

I have a lot of fear to work through. So, I'm going to start doing that, and seeing where I get.

..my hips hurt. I don't like it.

Anyway.

I'm going to try and start blogging again. Regularly.
I like having a place to chronicle my life and my goings-on that isn't JUST a place to bitch about things. This place seems to have the best feel and is the best fit.

Kiddo was in a fairly good mood today, but then hubby left for work and he was just... intolerable. He squalled like I was trying to hurt him just by putting him to bed. It's terrible and it makes me feel awful.

He went down around 10 and woke up around midnight. This is somewhat unusual for him, but since he calmed down fairly quickly, I'll attribute it to the heat. He'll start going to the pool as many times per week as we can get him in, and he'll probably need a cool bath before bed on the hottest nights.

I'm going to keep the A/C on probably full blast just to keep it tolerable temp-wise in here. It's terrible, especially at night.

Still no sign of Ethan. But he needs time, so all I can do is give him that.

I suck at hunts on SL.
Hubby's mom was sick so li'l man had to be brought home early. That's fine, she said she'd watch him Tuesday if she was up to it. Let's hope she is because I think I'll need a break. I'm not even tired right now and I NEED THE SLEEP.

Hubby was sick too today and I wasn't feeling so hot yesterday. No stomach pains today so I think it's just a quick bug and it'll pass fairly soon for everyone.

I need to be sure to clean the litterbox tomorrow. If the kitty is to continue to love me, this is essential. And maybe some treats. :)

I'm offering free one-card readings on July 1st, so if you want one, mark your calendars. I'll post more info and details the day before.

After we did the flush on the car before my trip to St. Louis, she seems to be handling pretty well since then. Hubby had to head to Arkansas (Little Rock -- about the same distance as St. Louis, if not farther) and she had no problems. So I'm glad we did that and I'm glad it was an easy fix. If she holds up, that's more money to put back toward our move next year (we'll at least try and rent a house if anything).

We'll probably have to stay here another year. This complex sucks ass, BUT, finding decent houses to rent, PLUS deposit in just over a month? Next to impossible. So, we'll just try and plan better next time.

I'm listing some of my stock on my website and I'm on Artfire again, so hopefully that works out.

I totally got some very awesome compliments from people I don't really know.
No, that is not sarcasm. They were so nice that my chest tightened up.
Yes. I started having a panic attack after compliments. /WTFBRAIN...

I'm not going to Market anymore either. The heat is getting too intense for me to stay out there during the hottest damn part and sell water and maybe some of my stuff.

Hubby wants me to set up an Artfire account again. We did better on the budget than I originally thought, so this is doable.

I'm liking working on it even though parts of it drive me nuts... they re-arranged a few things since I was on there last.

Still can't say, but I think things are starting to even out. We shall see.

Last night I'm all, "My life is perfect. I'm meeting my dreams and my goals."
This morning, I make breakfast... call the hubby...and now I'm depressed.

Don't know why. Maybe I miss him? It's my first time waking up alone in a very long while.

No baby, no hubby, no bestie... just the kitty.

I made breakfast, ate, and then... blah.

Maybe I need to start working.

My hip has either a) gone out or b) I've pulled some muscles surrounding my hip.

Tried four ibuprofen. Kinda helped.
Tried swimming. Made it worse. Had to take a half a vicodin.
Tried stretching. Nada.
Played bowling on the Wii with hubby BEFORE this came up... and halfway through, I just..gaaaah.

So I'm in serious pain now. Really, really, really glad that hubby dropped kiddo off at the grandparents last night.

We had more money in the bank than we thought so hubby's down getting burgers. :)
I think life is pretty damned sweet right now. I'm starting to see things more positively.
I'm ALLOWED to be sick. I'm ALLOWED to have down time. I'm ALLOWED to have breaks.
I'm ALLOWED to be human.

I don't have to be Super!Mom all the damn time, regardless of whatever the fuck Mom tried to tell me all those years growing up.

Mom hasn't called since last night. No nasty messages. No freaked-out texts from my cousin or uncle.

So maybe she's handling things differently.....??

But there's no denying it. Dad is NOT the perfect father, nor is he the perfect father figure. I won't be wishing him a happy father's day or anything, because he raised me better than to lie.

Damn, that vicodin is kicking in.... wheeeee.... :)

Have some more news about Ethan, but can't really talk about it. So I'll just leave it at that.

Did well with the kiddo today.
And then I just started feeling BAD. He was sleeping a lot and I was needing sleep... and when I woke up, I took a shower.

And after the shower... yech.
Started seeing spots of un-fun colors, light-headed, dizzy, and nauseous. So... hubby took kiddo to the grandparents a day early. Glad for that. Really needing the rest.

My head keeps going from hot to cold.

Plus, a friend of mine lost a pet today. Sad day indeed.

I called mom to tell her stuff about li'l guy. Then she says, "You didn't call yesterday."
My response? "Nope. Oops, sorry, forgot."
She kept ragging me about it.
I said, "Mom, I'm just not going to. No point now."
"What the heck is your problem?" she asks.

Oh okay. We really want to go into this? Alll righty then.

( Triggering stuff under here. )

Trip went fairly well. I was heading upstate to try and sell some of my items at a Pagan festival. I ended up doing nothing but readings the second day. 8 readings in under 2 hours. WHOO BOY. Can you say headache?

Anyway.
Oh yeah, my hair is blue now. The pink is showing through it, and it looks really spiffy.

Not sure if I should go back to Market. I'm not making enough...but I wonder if that was due to lack of variety.

I don't know what I did wrong...
I apparently can't be busy, or tired, or stressed...
My pituitary is going haywire right now because I'm stressing out so much.. I've gained 12 pounds in a very short time... but I think I can still get a hold on it before it's too late.

Pituitary and thyroid problems run in my family, so I NEED to see what I can do to manage this before I have to be on something for the rest of my life.

Hair looks nice. Definitely different.

I'm...scared. I'm scared that the only purpose I have in life is to just be in pain and die without ever really living.

What is living, honestly? Is it the pain, the suffering? The hurt, the turmoil, the crying in the dark...
Or is it all the other stuff?

Or is it both?

I used to think it was both. The living and the dying. The happy and the sad. All that stuff in between there that makes no sense unless you put it in context with the stuff around it.

...But this life? Has no context. All I've done, all my life, is just be in pain, just suffer.

And I'm fucking done with it.
But I don't know how to stop it. It just keeps coming in floods until I feel like I'll be pulled under.

And I don't know where to go. Where I'll be swept off to.

Sometimes, i just want to give up on everything.

Her:

*Not tryn to be rude but i find it funny how you say you want that special someone and you hate it in ur area cause u cant find her yet after looking at your profile i see u have numerious people ur in some kind of relationship with. So how do you expect to find her whn she sees your time/attention/heart is already used up by your play mates or other people that are listed on your page?

If someone is out there looking for that special someone they would not want to get involved with someone who has a butt load of play partners or other people in their life in that manner. Why give yourself to someone who does not have time for you or would require you to share her with many many others.

Just my thoughts.

*

Me:
UntamedHarley 26F
Springfield, Missouri

,
I believe my heart is big enough to give love to many people -- which is what I have already done. You are correct in your assumption (which is precisely what that is -- you don't know my life. my living situation or anything about me outside of what I LET you see on the internet, so you are assuming you know me enough to make such judgments...). I help those I'm around. I am also a trauma-based multiple personality.

Let me explain:
I have the personalities of men AND women inside my own head. Some of these men are gay, some are straight. Would it be fair to them to expect them to love my husband, to FORCE them into homosexuality?

I also have littles inside my head. Would it be fair to teach them about sex when they are only 4 years old? Would it be fair to force them into a sexual relationship at that age? Our father was abusive. We sought to teach them, hopefully, about healthy masculine relationships by giving them a healthy male role model.
This is why we have a Daddy.

I am helping someone else who is a multiple by giving them a healthy relationship. Sure, it isn't always physical, but he still has someone to depend on to be there for him. And he feels that he should reciprocate the action. This is why I have a play partner.

I am poly and open with my husband. He reciprocates this action. We tried being monogamous, and even though we loved each other dearly, this nearly split us apart. We have decided that we should have a poly relationship. (Polyamory, meaning loving or to love more than one. He is also a multiple with littles.)

lilmoongirl is one of my personalities. She does not always have the same interests as me -- is it fair of me or to her to define her feelings and emotions by mine? I don't think so. She is my little sister.

If I might ask, how precisely do you know how full my heart is? You don't know me and have just come across my profile (such as it is). I think I would think again before presuming to know about someone, enough to try and claim to know how much they can love.

Also, I am bisexual. I am not only interested in women. Something else you seem to have missed.

I would hope that you have read all of this message and tried to take to heart its words. Most of the people I have come across in my area are users or people that I choose not to associate with because I do not think they would be a good fit for me or my family. This is my choice, and my choice to leave them be instead of messaging them and questioning how well or how 'much' they love someone.

I hope I have answered all your questions. I also hope that I have given you a little insight into how some people think, and that different isn't always a bad thing.

If you feel the need to message me again, do not underestimate my situation, circumstances or intelligence. In other words, do yourself a favor and think twice, even three times if you can spare a moment, before messaging me again with something other than, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize how wrong I could be. I think you should be allowed to love and seek whomever you choose, and, out of respect, I will leave you alone now."

While you are allowed to have your opinion, that doesn't mean I have to like, accept or agree with it. And as I have clearly stated... I don't like, accept or agree with it. Your thoughts are your own, but I think in this case, you should have kept them to yourself.

Just my thoughts.
--Me

I'm now blocked. This comes as no surprise. I reported her last night and they actually told me (this is on another website) that posting a private conversation publicly is against TOS.
tough shit, I'm keeping it up. There's a good chance she is a troll and I want to let people know how arrogant she is.

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facetsofme

December 2012

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